WP 3: My Voice
My Voice
I nervously entered the chaotic Kindergarten classroom clutching my mom’s hand. It was the first day of school, and I was anxious to make new friends and figure out where I fit in. So, I did what made sense to me. I let go of my mom’s hand, dropped to the ground, and called out to the other kids: “Woof woof!” My mom looked down at me utterly confused and then burst out laughing as I continued calling to my classmates with my new-found voice, “Woof woof!” Everyone stopped in their tracks: a child crying in a corner, kids fighting over a paintbrush, even the quiet girl flipping through a book. Then, one by one, my fellow classmates dropped to the floor and began following me around. We circled the classroom, barking and howling as loud as our voices would carry, confident that Kindergarten would be a great year. This was the first time I relied on my voice to attain my goal: make new friends.
My voice was always something that I could rely on. I was always the loudest, just sound wise, which made it easier for me to be heard. Because of this, I was able to set myself apart from other students throughout school. Many kids grow up being silenced either due to “manners” or even bullying, but I was always very sure of myself, what I needed, and what I wanted. My family taught me to think before I speak, but never to not speak when you believe. They never wanted me to stand down if someone was questioning my beliefs. My mom is Chaldean; she comes from a small town in northern Iraq The village, Tel Keppe, means “stone home” and it was a hard place for women to be valued and heard (Chaldean Catholics). So, when they came to the United States, they created a culture that valued their perspective, mostly, and nothing could silence them. The women in my family are fearless and independent and they are my role models. They taught me to never be ashamed of my voice.
This played a really important role when I began extracurricular activities after school. I did a wide variety of activities from theatre to karate. This was not only because I was an exuberant child with many interests and way too much energy, but also because my parents wanted me to find my voice and my passion. With theatre I was able to train my voice, memorize lines, and learn to enunciate so I could connect with the audience. With karate, I learned that being loud wasn’t enough. I found the power behind my voice wasn’t just because I had a naturally loud voice, but also because I was being trained to be mentally strong and not to rely on just physical power.
“Ose!” My voice thundered through the dojo as I rose up, ready for my black belt test. Obtaining the sacred belt required consecutively sparring ten classmates. This was daunting, mainly because I was the only girl that was qualified to test. As I stood my ground, many thoughts flowed through my head: The male opponents who had constantly harassed and mocked me in class saying, “Get a more girly hobby” and “Go home.” Maybe I shouldn’t be here. I looked around the dojo and saw my sensei, parents, and friends all there to cheer me on. Insecurities still pounded in my head, but I put my helmet on. I wasn’t going anywhere. I beat my opponents and announced, “CHA!” each time I threw them to the ground. The “CHA”, sometimes pronounced “Kai” in other Japanese martial arts forms, is shouted using the diaphragm (Marital Tribes). This does something really important for the fighter, it tightens their core making it much less painful to be hit there. The “CHA” is a form of protection for the fighter as well as a representation of their inner power that they release during a fight. My voice gave me the power and determination to persevere and get my black belt, ultimately earning the respect of my classmates and myself. My voice grew stronger.
Even though I was learning how to be physically strong as well as mentally strong, I realized that there was something missing. I hadn’t fully grasped that the voice comes from within your heart and your gut. It is miles more effective and resourceful when you have strength and confidence behind your convictions. I had to learn this and I did on Valentine’s Day 2018. This was the first day I was really silenced with a lack of direction on where to go or what to say.
Seventeen people, adults, and high schoolers were killed at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, which is only 15 minutes away from where my cousins live. Every time there was another big school shooting, it got closer to the people I love. I was scared and I was silent. Then, the Stoneman Douglas survivors spoke up, they inspired high school students around the country to use their voices. At my school, we heard them. We used our collective voice to hold a memorial honoring those who had died. Five-hundred people from our community gathered to remember the lives lost. Soon after, I, along with other leaders in my school, led a march to the U.S. Capitol to stand with other students and show the world that giving up is not in our generation’s vocabulary. For the first time, I was using my voice, along with thousands of others, to achieve a shared goal: stopping gun violence in schools. My voice was coming from a place of burning passion and a desire to do good for my community and world. My voice became stronger because I wasn’t just using it for me. I was using it to fight for everyone I loved and I found more opportunities to do that as I got older.
When I turned 18 there became a new opportunity for me to express my voice. On March third, my voice was heard loud and clear when I voted for the first time in the Virginia presidential primaries. I knew that my voice was one amongst many, yet that gave me power. I was surrounded by people who wanted and needed change in our country. I was fighting for myself, my family, and my friends. Because of this, my voice joined many in what became a historic loss for an incumbent presidential candidate. Through this experience I learned that using your voice isn’t something you do on your own. It’s not something that necessarily has to make you stand out. There is power in numbers and in joining together to participate in the democratic process. My one vote, combined with 80 + million other people helped to drive change within our country and preserve our democracy. One voice may be powerful yet easy to overlook, but 80 million cannot be ignored (NPR).
It becomes really difficult to try to help others when you don’t know how to help yourself. When I listened to my voice, I began finding it in other, more subtle ways than just speaking out. I heard my voice when reading and writing and I found that words on a paper are just as powerful, if not more powerful than those spoken out loud. In the past I wrote poems and came up with jingles when I was mad, or so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn’t possibly speak. Writing became a release for me to express myself when speaking out felt like too much. I needed time to reflect on myself and to honor my emotions and feelings. Writing with no rules and no constraint became that outlet for me to understand my feelings more deeply and fully. I now write to understand myself, so I can better help those around me.
This is a poem I wrote at the end of my sophomore year of high school. I think that it does a nice job of showing how I process my emotions through writing and especially through poetry.
She Thought She Could:
She thought she could so she tried.
She thought she could but she failed.
She thought she could so she tried again.
She thought she could so she tried again.
She lost faith and gave up.
She thought about it.
She tried one last time.
She failed,
She fell,
She was helped up.
They thought they could,
So they did.
I tend to repeat myself a lot when I write and this poem, the words, the shape, the punctuation, underscores the way that I think and understand certain situations. The beginning lines are longer and more tedious because when you work alone, sometimes it is really hard to succeed, even more so if you actually need help. I was afraid to ask for help many times because I was afraid of what people would think about me, so I wouldn’t. But, when I did, things were so much less complicated and I was able to continue on my journey having learned something new. The end of my poem has shorter lines connected with commas and not punctuation. It shows my process and the trials and errors I had, but more importantly it shows that I didn’t give up. When I go back through my poetry notebooks, I re-read many poems which help me to remember how I felt during that time and I can reflect on whether things got better or worse for me. This specific poem makes me feel really hopeful because when I read it, I hear a side of me that is usually much less prominent.
While I was learning about the connections between my inner voice and more outwardly spoken voice, I found myself thriving in theatre. I really connected with acting and using it as a way to express myself as well as representing others. I also loved the written work and the beauty behind the words and songs that were performed in theatre. As I delved as a theatre artist, I found a love for comedy, specifically stand up. I love stand-up comedy because it is so similar to both poetry and theatre. Stand up gave me a platform to speak out on topics that I was really passionate about, but in a way that I was able to be more in tune with my emotional side and create special relationships with the audience by providing them with a space where they can relate and feel appreciated. Stand up not only empowered my audience by giving them a voice, but it also empowered me to be a better performer and speaker. Because of performing stand-up, my voice began to become more refined and more in touch with the world around me. This is important because I was able to use my stand up to speak out on topics I was passionate about such as the differences between expectations for women and men.
I ended one of my stand-up routines like this: “Women are expecting to wear the pants all day and take ’em off at night, whereas a man never put them on in the first place!” The jokes I made poking fun at men not only made the entire audience laugh, but it also empowered the women because I wasn’t putting them down to make a joke. I was lifting them up. I learned to use my voice in this way through comedy and theatre that brought people together instead of dividing them.
Now, I’ve started testing the limits of what my voice can do — seeking conversation about how we can improve our connections with each other, encouraging my classmates to talk about what’s meaningful to them, and, most importantly, always continuing to learn. Throughout each of these stories and examples, my voice has grown. Even though each story was so different, each shaped my voice adding to the cultivation of the power I hold. My stories diverge and reconnect making me able to express myself and my passions more clearly. My inherent ability to be heard is even more important because I am a small fish lost in an ocean of people with loud voices. Honestly? That’s what college is supposed to be about! Even now, 2,000 words later, I am still figuring out what that means to have a voice and how to use it effectively in a way that will contribute to my newer communities. What I do have faith in, is that my voice is incredibly strong now and if I continue to learn, keeping an open heart and mind, the power that will come from myself will be immeasurable.
Works Cited:
“Chaldean Catholics.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 21 Mar. 2021, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaldean_Catholics.
Editorial Staff·January 13, 2020. “Why Some Martial Artists Shout When They Attack.” NextShark, 25 Jan. 2018, nextshark.com/spirit-shout-traditional-martial-arts/.
Long , Haley H. “Sexism Stand Up .” Stand Up: A Series of Unfortunate Events Being a Woman .
Long , Haley H. “She Thought She Could .” Poems .
Martial, et al. “Why Martial Artists Are Always SHOUTING.” Martial Tribes, 13 Oct. 2018, www.martialtribes.com/martial-artists-shouting/.
Montanaro, Domenico. “President-Elect Joe Biden Hits 80 Million Votes In Year Of Record Turnout.” NPR, NPR, 25 Nov. 2020, www.npr.org/2020/11/25/937248659/president-elect-biden-hits-80-million-votes-in-year-of-record-turnout.
